I really appreciate everyone who opens up and shares with me about their photography and their personal journey. I feel so incredibly blessed. I absolutely adore the BP4U page and I feel that I have to share this.
For the past year in and half, if not longer, I’m not quite sure what has been going on. I do know this, I didn’t enjoy photography. I wasn’t sure what was going on. I used to get so pumped about shooting. I love weddings more than anything else and I couldn’t imagine my life not as a wedding photographer. It had got to the point, where I could have cared less if I shot another wedding. I just didn’t like shooting. I had fallen out of love with it. Photography used to be my passion, I used to take my camera everywhere. I wanted to shoot anything and everyone I could find!
I would share my work online and would be so pumped when I shoot that I couldn’t sleep until I posted some previews up on my Facebook. You know which in turn would turn into going to bed at 4am… Where did that go? Down the drain, I suppose. I got so caught up in the business (Don’t get me wrong, I have a VERY successful (IMO) wedding photography company) but the passion wasn’t there. I’ve been dealing with some personal situations, going through a separation. It was time. I had to get my life STRAIGHT.
I had been putting my business above everything, again. I don’t know how I let this happen again. For those of you that keep up with my blog, you know I went through this a few years ago, and it’s devastating, how someone can keep making the same mistakes over and over again. I know better. Well, I decided to quit at 5 everyday, spend quality time with my kids. Time to figure out who I am.
One of my office assistants asked me, “What do you like to do for fun?” I was extremely puzzled. Fun? What in the world is that? I don’t have time for fun. I told her, well I used to take photos for fun… But single mom with her own business, 2 kids, there’s no time for that… THEN it hit me. Wow. That’s horrible. I was working on my bio for the new blog and I was looking at all the photos of my family as we have grown together and I realized something. I have not picked up my camera to take any photos of Broox (my second son). I have a ton of Bex but none of Broox. What in the world. #issue.
My other assistant, Charley, sweet, sweet Charley. Had sent me this article that had went viral about this mom who was talking about never being in any of the photos with her kids because of the way she looked. #GUILTY. I literally am not even existent in photos when I’m at my ugh… “bigger weight”…. How are they going to know who their mom was, what we liked to do together, if I’m not in ANY of the photos. Photos are how you remember. I always joke and say if it’s not on Facebook, it didn’t really happen in real life. Well, if there’s no photos and day after day our memory is filled up, how can they know? That hit me like a ton of bricks. Wow.
I picked up my camera and decided to shoot like I have never shot before. I don’t want to set anything up, no props, no backgrounds, just life. The way it is. The messy, no makeup, pony-tail, sweat pants, straight up raw reality of what me and my kids do, day in and day out. I have found so much joy just documenting this for the past few days.
I took the photos, but I have NEVER ever liked the way my “candid” shots look. Whenever I edited them, they just were missing something, missing the emotion. You know you see those photos and they are deep and just… I don’t know, you feel like you’re there? Yeah, that’s what I couldn’t quite get right in my photos. I purchased some actions and was immediately OBSESSED. There’s no words. I had 4 pages of stuff I had to do but what did I do? I found every photo on my computer that I had taken and couldn’t get right and edited it and I’m not even kidding, it was love.
Here were these photos that I had taken but I was like eh, they aren’t really good. UGH, NO I just wasn’t looking at them correctly. Are you kidding me. I found a folder deep within a folder (if you have ever seen the screenshot of my desktop, you know I’m the most disorganized, organized person, you’ll ever meet) of Broox when he was first born…. I used this look that I had been wanting to figure out for so long… and it was literally a 1 hour tear fest of remembering the memories and making them so beautiful. I will forever FOREVER forever be grateful. These literally helped me, snap out of my funk, fall in love with my work again.
I forgot the reason I do this, I forgot the reason that I love this so much. These are our memories, this is what we have to give our children. This is how we share with the world what we are about. This is how we inspire. That is a powerful thing.
Let me share with you, my life, the day to day. These images are not technically perfect, but they are perfect to me.
Remember how I said I found all of Broox’s hospital photos. Here those are. Wow. Makes me want to cry EVERY time.
I can’t wait to share with you more and more. Thank you for all your input, advice and support you give to me and everyone on our page/blog! You guys are incredible!